I cannot explain how exhilarating it was to open a blank Word document and type away in one sitting. The words just flowed from my head without overthinking. Without judgement. Before I knew it, I was writing the last line. I almost ran around the room in excitement. Instead, the thrill of writing inspired me to think about a corresponding image. Before I knew it, I was setting up the photo and adjusting the camera settings. The next thing I knew, I was looking up how to edit images from the iOS Photos app. Would you believe me if I told you that I discovered some settings in my phone for the first time last night? I was shook.
Beyond being shaken, it dawned on me today that I had done something I hadn’t done in a while. I gave in to my curiosity and then applied the knowledge immediately. There was no voice saying I would botch it. No anxiety, and the crippling exhaustion that came along with it, about having to do something new. Just inspiration.
I did not think about whether people are even interested in reading my words. I wrote because I wanted to. Because I enjoyed the words flowing freely from my head to my hands without encumbrance. Even now, I can feel the rush of excitement in my veins as these very words flow out of me. I can hear my heart race a little faster as if I have just discovered something new and exciting.
And I have.
I have discovered a version of myself I thought I had lost. Lost in the pursuit of trying to keep my head above water. In the shrinking back to avoid attracting any reaction or feedback that would hurt me. Lost to the concession of what others said I was, even when I did not believe them.
This version has peeked out on occasion, and maybe that is why it took me a while to realise that she was not there as much. When I started noticing it, I convinced myself that it must be part of my evolution and growth. That writing had been a phase that served me well, and now I had to move on to other things. More ‘grown-up’ things.
Then I remembered that this is a gift. A gift that has been a hobby, earned me a living, and even helped me achieve good grades in school. No way it could be a passing phase. So, when anxiety started creeping yesterday, saying I would not even get to the second day of this doing this #100Times, I paused. The good thing is that it was time for fellowship, so there was no time to dwell on the anxiety. Today, I started where I stopped, and here we are. Words flowing out of my head to my hands to this page. A version of myself I thought I had lost.