How do you feel?
My usual response to this question is “okay”. Even if I am in the doctor’s office, seeking treatment, and therefore the farthest thing from being okay. I don’t think about it. Okay is just what I have always replied. Like saying “fine” to “how are you?”
But I have recently been taught to identify my feelings. My first reaction to this was, “so that what?” Which is Uglish speak for, “what’s the point?” But now I am starting to get it. Identifying my feelings is part of showing up authentically. If I know that I am uncomfortable with a situation, then I can ask why, and if it is something that I don’t want, I let it go.
This is a side of authenticity I hadn’t considered. Five years ago, for example, authenticity meant showing up as my best self, whatever the situation. This is not a bad thing. Yet there is something freeing about realising I don’t even have to show up at all if I don’t want to. I don’t have to make the best of things if there is nothing good there in the first place. That is what authenticity means to me now.
You would think that this realisation would come with a sigh of relief. It does not. It means I have to have difficult conversations with people who are not willing to have these conversations. I get the same feeling of anxiety about non-confrontation that non-confrontational people get about confrontation. It leaves too much unsaid. Too much room for assumptions. No clarity. Just confusion.
Of course, I am also a little wary about making decisions based on feelings because they can be fleeting. So, I am learning to sit in them honestly. One of my little friends (six years old) was teaching me about feelings based on colours, similar to Inside Out. I was so amused until I found out it was a real thing the next day. Something called a colour wheel. Let’s say I’ll be using it to test my feelings before taking action.
However, I will be more mindful before responding when I am asked how I feel.
That is africanicity authenticity. That is Absa part of finding my voice again.
How do I feel, right in this moment? I feel proud of myself for showing up for this #100Times challenge after a long day, that’s how.