On this road of self-reflection, I have found myself wondering where I go when I don’t feel like myself. Where do I go when I am looking for myself? The very concept of finding myself feels sacrilegious because I aim to die to myself daily. Easier said than done. But even easier done when I am aware of what self I am dying to, daily. Even autocorrect has failed to make sense of that sentence… lol.
Finding myself in this case is not just about the things that give me purpose. It is also returning to a place where I am most at peace with myself. Today I realised that one of the places I go is home. Home, not the place. Home, the people. When I am with my family, I feel like myself. I don’t have to be anyone else but Grace.
Today, we gathered in thanksgiving for all the ways God has blessed us – birthdays, Mother’s and Father’s Day celebrations, and our youngest siblings completing university with excellence. Sitting with them and talking about nothing in particular, I felt grounded and at ease. Just by being. A few minutes earlier, I had been in a class where some people shared that their families are a place of societal pressure. How going home always brings anxiety and the cloud of expectation with it. In that moment, I understood my privilege: I could go home and just be.
Another place I go when I’m looking for myself is also not a physical location. I used to think it was. But it is not. That place is a church. I used to associate it with a place until I started feeling unwelcome. Then I realised it was the people I share faith in Christ with who are the church. Being in a place where you can share your struggles and someone says, “You too?” Then, it goes on to look to God for wisdom, which is such a blessing. It makes what can seem like a lonely journey less lonely.
Going to these two places always brings this verse to heart: “God settles the solitary in a home.” Another version says, “God sets the lonely in families.” God has indeed set me, settled me in a home and in families where I go when the world tries to tear at who I am. For that, I am forever grateful.
Where do you go when you are looking for yourself?