I was not sure how I would feel today. Grief is the one emotion I have failed to understand. It comes without warning. It comes in different forms. For three years, I have been afraid of wailing in grief. You know the type I am talking about. I saw it a lot when Kez passed on this day three years ago. People arrived and just broke down, wailing. It looked cathartic. While I envied their ability to let go so freely, I was afraid to break down. Afraid that there would be no way for my broken pieces to come back together. I didn’t realise this at the time. But now I see why my most physical reaction to the doctor’s pronouncement was an asthma attack. A few puffs of the inhaler and I was okay. At least okay enough to get on with the business that needed to be handled.
Three years later, I recognise that while I didn’t not break down physically, there are pieces of me that are emotionally, spiritually, mentally broken. I recognize that I should probably do something about healing them. Putting these thoughts in words here might be one way. I think. What I am sure of is that God has been kind enough to give me little pockets of healing balm that have held me together these last three years.
The first has been the gift of faith in Him. I was afraid that I would lose my faith in God after Kez’s death because of how quick and harsh it came. No forewarning. No chance to say our goodbyes. We went from talking about a red suitcase for her baby boy to me calling an ambulance and the doctor pronouncing her dead, a few minutes later. In that time, I called friends to pray with me for her healing because all I could do was repeat Psalm 91 over and over again. Yet it seemed like our prayers were fruitless.
I worried that this would make me lose my faith but what it did was bring more closer to God. He is the one who ordained Kez’s steps so I figured He had all the answers. Many days my prayers were filled with whys. Today, I have come to a place of accepting that God does not owe me any answers. Thank God no one tried to tell me this in the days after Kez’s death because withering is not enough to describe the side eye I would have given them. This realization has not come easily. Neither has it stopped the questions. What it has done is keep going to the one who has all the answers. Maybe I’ll have the answers one day. But even if I don’t, God remains as loving and kind in Kez’s death as He was in her living.
The second healing balm has been the gift of community. A community that is made up of friends and family who are not uncomfortable to sit with my grief. Yes, I have heard a few cases of “you should get over it”, and while they hurt, it has not been deep enough to blind me from the compassion many have shown me. It has allowed me to have compassion on myself in the moments when I berate myself for missing Kez as deeply today as I did when it first hit me that she was gone. It has also allowed me to have compassion for those who grieve. However, they choose to do it. There is no formula for how we wear grief.
It is this community that has held me together on the days when the emotional, spiritual, and mental cracks try to break me. From random check-ins to sitting quietly with me when I have nothing to say. Or listening to my thinking-aloud rumblings and praying with me. I have been blessed beyond measure. They have asked me to seek help for how I feel while being patient with me to figure out what that help looks like. I haven’t been able to articulate my feelings in a while so maybe this is part of it. Maybe giving myself permission to say what’s on my heart without fear of judgment is part of it. I don’t know.
I know therapy is an option, but I keep joking that I might not be able to ravel once I unravel to the point of being committed. I’m only half joking. I recognise that this is from a deep distrust of people. That is why Kez become a close friend. Girl stuck by me through years of refusing to open up till I did. It might have taken more five years but I did, which is weird considering I am a yapper. But everyone knows that yappers will talk about everything except what we truly should. Because we don’t want to bring people down. Don’t want to kill the vibe… lol.
What was I saying?
I was not sure how I would feel today. I am glad that what I feel is gratitude for all the memories I made with Kez and the way God and community have held me together since then.