On Authenticity… or Finding Myself

The message is loud and clear. We should aim for authenticity. Be our unadulterated selves. It sounds as good as the popular clarion call to lean into the softer way of living.

The hustle has left us tired and burnt out. It has also left us clamouring to be everyone else but our authentic selves.

It therefore makes sense living as our authentic selves would allow us to wind down.

An appealing goal.

It is one of the reasons I have put off opening this blog again. I wanted the blog to reflect my true voice. My authentic self.

But the more I have tried to search for this ‘authentic Kenganzi’, the more frustrated and despondent I have become.

Not my own

It recently dawned on me (more like remembrance came to me) that I am not my own. Not just in the Christian sense where because of my faith in God, I submit to His will, even when it is done begrudgingly.

I am not my own in the sense that my decisions and actions can impact others. Actively or passively.

I am not my own in the sense that the way life on earth is set up requires somethings from me, beyond myself. That I work to earn a living. That I have a sense of responsibility and accountability towards those and the things around me.

Searching for my authentic self has made me realise that I might not like the ‘authentic Kenganzi’. The one who is not bound by any values, norms and behaviours outside herself. I would do what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted. Perception be damned.

Authenticity vs expectations

I’ll choose one area of my life to illustrate how searching for this authentic Kenganzi proved interesting. The workplace.

I am still at a stage in my life where capitalism has me firmly in its bosom. While I may have some privileges in my pocket, they haven’t stretched wide enough for me to dodge it. Or maybe I haven’t explored my options because I am too tired from life-ing to do so.

So I work in a structured job. After the uncertainty of the pandemic, the structure and routine it provides are as comforting as the fact that I have the skills and competencies to do the job well.

Part of doing that job well is performance management. There is a system to evaluate how well I am doing at my job. So I cannot claim that I don’t need validation from anyone. I need, nay, require validation from my supervisor(s) in order to keep working.

This performance is based on requirements that may not match ‘authentic Kenganzi’. The flip side of the pandemic was the recognition that we can work from anywhere, right? But post-pandemic, majority of workplaces are back to business as usual. While I can manage myself and work during my most optimal hours, that goes out the window if physical meetings are scheduled during said hours. I have to go beyond myself to get the work done within the timeline required. So, no, I cannot be, “I work best in the morning hours Kenganzi”.

The workplace and its environs has people with diverse personalities and backgrounds, sometimes miles apart from what I am used to. In order to work companionably, this means making concessions in how I act, react towards my colleagues. This looks a lot like toning down my outspokenness, especially given the job I do.

I could go on but you get the point.

One step at time

Instead of pursuing this ‘authentic Kenganzi’, I have chosen to take it a day at a time. To go with the tide when I need to while exploring how to be true to myself.

There it is again. Myself.

I recognise that I still need to know who I am. Some call it identity. As a Christian, it is easy for me to say that my identity is in Christ. But what does that mean? Especially, if even after all these years, there are questions I don’t have answers to. What does it mean when the values built on my faith in God come against a resistance that I don’t have the will or strength to fight?

I don’t have the answers yet but I have decided to wrestle with the questions loudly. Keeping them in my head has proved to be draining.

Note: I wrote this blog post earlier in the week while I was deep in the pit of questioning my purpose, whether I am living it, and all the things that look like an existential wondering. God, by His infinite grace has sent people, resources and moments my way to light the path to finding answers to the questions. The quote below was a great encouragement. I hope you’ll stick around as I explore where this is going.