Reflections from my 38th birthday

This is 38.

Or to put it more accurately, reflections from my 38th birthday.

For the first time in a long time (cannot remember any actually), I took time off work for my birthday. My mind and heart have been scattered and I didn’t want to go into another year like that.

My first thought was to make elaborate plans. A spa day. That photoshoot I’ve been meaning to do. A trip out of town. Anything that stopped me from being in solitude. Yet that is exactly what I needed. To sit with myself and the myriad of thoughts that have bogged me down for a while.

I disconnected for a few days and sat by myself. With myself. It has been interesting.

The most interesting thing has been coming face to face with the things I am grieving. The hopes and dreams I consciously or unconsciously held. The ones I may never have put a timestamp on but took it for granted that they would come to pass by 38. They may come to pass in the future. But I am grieving them now and releasing that pain so that I may be free.

I realised that it is not acknowledging the pain that has been stopping me from being truly grateful. Because it seemed ungrateful to feel anything but grateful for how immensely God has been good to me. My very name, Grace, is a constant reminder of that goodness.

In coming face to face with that pain, I now know that I can feel two things at once. That I can be honest with God because He already knows my heart and the hurt it harbors. I can worship Him in praise and lament. It is burdensome to pretend that all is alright when it is not. In bringing my pain to God, I have let go of that burden.

I can say, as the Psalmist did, “But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me” right after the many “how long, O Lord?” (Psalm 13).

I don’t know what going into my 39th year will look like. I have never been one to want to know. But as always, I know the one who knows all. And I am so grateful that He has held me fast to Himself that I can still profess my faith in Him.

Even now, when I don’t have any answers to the questions I have asked. Except one. Two actually. How do I remain in Him in the face of discouragement? By loving Him with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my mind. How do I show up for the people He has placed in my life? By loving my neighbour as I love myself.
Loving myself is no mean feat. But this is what this time of solitude has been about. Reminding myself to think of myself kindly because then I will think of others kindly. It is a work in progress but a work that is worth it.

I pray that on this 38th birthday, God may give me grace to obey His greatest command —to love Him and His people.

And for the gift of the last 38 years, to Him who is able to keep me from stumbling and to present me blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy (what a day that will be!). To the only God, our Saviour, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.