“… I will trust You, I will trust Yooou…”
Singing these lines during praise and worship at church is so easy, and so much fun. Singing them and living them are two different things on the other hand. I have realised how true this is in the last couple of weeks. Even as I sang these words at church and wrote them in my journal, there have been times when this trust has wavered.
I recently made a step of faith that scared me out of my skin but also filled with peace. In taking this step, I understood exactly how Peter felt when Jesus told him to get out of the boat and walk towards him.
See I’m not a good swimmer. My experience with swimming is me lounging in the water, holding one of my siblings’ shoulders if I want to flap my legs away from the edges of the pool and generally staying as close to something solid as I can. I have therefore never been in the middle of the pool with just the water around me. That is how badly I don’t trust the water. So getting out of the figurative boat to walk on the unknown seemed even more than a little foolish to me.
And that is what my fears have been trying to tell me these last couple of weeks. That I’m being foolish. That how could I throw away my life like that. That how can I be sure it will be alright when I am not even sure what ‘it’ is ahead of me.
Thankfully, I have been surrounded by people who have encouraged me in my decision into the unknown. Who have even commended my faith, courage and whatnot. But there have been times when these compliments have only made me feel like a fraud because on the inside, I am shaking, my insides are threatening to come out, and doubt, oh how doubt tries to take root.
These are made worse by the few people who have tried to ‘reason’ with me. Well-meaning people who have told me to proceed with caution, to have a back-up plan. And in my moments of doubt, I have come up with plan Bs and Cs. The thing about such plans is that when they are so far removed from what you are holding out for, even when you are not sure what that is exactly, they are beyond unfulfilling. I am therefore done pursuing these too.
Instead I am trusting God, and not only singing about it. I might not know what is on the other end of this trust but I know God is there. It may seem foolish but He is wise. I may not be sure it will be alright but I am sure that He is right. So I will trust.
PS
I wrestled with writing this post because usually we wait to tell our stories till we’re over whatever it is we’re struggling through. But I realised that I want to write through my struggle with trusting so that I don’t dismiss it later as some fleeting moment. If there’s something you’re struggling through right now, I pray that you’ll keep your eyes on God and trust Him to see you through.