Why I have been keeping score with God

There are times things do not go my way and I feel like God is punishing me for doing something bad. Like me and Him have a scoreboard and the points under my name on His are few compared to the ones He has on mine. I always imagine something like this:

What God has done                                                                        What Grace has done

I                                                                                                               I

II                                                                                                             –

III                                                                                                            I

IIII                                                                                                           –

ad infinitum                                                                                                        –

Because of my embarrassing scoreboard, it makes sense when something I have praying for does not come to pass. It is my punishment for being a bad girl. May be this mindset is has its roots in being told that God would punish me if I was bad during childhood.  Whatever the reason, I can’t seem to shake it off, no matter how many times I hear that God loves me unconditionally.

How I keep score

How this manifests is that when I am trusting God for something, I tend to get my act together. Almost in the same way we do when an inspector or the boss is coming around. On that day, we adhere to the office dress code. We clear our desks of clutter. Attend every meeting, even the ones we usually dodge when they are away. Have all the paperwork required ready. In short, we are on our best behaviour so that we will find favour in their eyes. Any mishap might cost you that bonus you have been looking forward to or a license whose approval you need desperately.

During a period of trusting in the Lord for something, I don’t really keep a score of what I am doing right. Rather, I seem to notice everything I am doing wrong, believing that it is definitely crossing out any good I have done. When I get cross at someone, I think, “now God won’t grant me this or that because I’m quick to become angry”; “I barely made it through the three days of corporate fasting so there goes my faithfulness point”; “I twisted the truth a little so I may as well kiss this latest request goodbye”. The list goes on. I get so obsessed with this that I start waiting for the big no that is coming soon. Then it comes and I go, “I knew it!”

However, lately, I have seen how foolish trying to keep a scoreboard with God is. If I was to keep a real scoreboard, then I would also have to keep count of all the good things God does for me moment by moment, not just the “big” blessings. And measure them against the “good” things I am doing to please God. The very idea is laughable! As if I could ever measure up to God’s goodness. Any effort to match Him would be one in vanity. Scripture is littered with all the areas we can never match up to God in –goodness, giving, love, who He is. So what makes me keep score?

What does God do instead?

I wondered about this till I realised that it is because it is hard for me to believe that His love for me is unconditional. That His love is just as it is described in the last words of 1 Conrinthians 3: 5: “… it keeps no record of wrongs.” NIV; “… Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,” The Message; “… it takes no account of the evil done to it [pays no attention to a suffered wrong].” Amplified (emphasis added)

When these words came back to me in a moment of trying to keep score, I paused. Then I realised that may be I was having such a hard time believing God because I did not truly love Him the same way. It is so easy for me to say and sing about how much I love Him but if I was keeping score with Him, didn’t that also mean that I also loved Him according to what I could get out of Him? Let’s just say that this realisation was followed by repentance. Especially since I can think of several ways He has been good to me when I did not deserve it. Yet not once in those moments did I say to Him, “No God, take this blessing away from me because I do not deserve it.” Instead I did a happy dance and praised Him.

So the problem is not that I have been a bad girl. It is that I have a father who loves me no matter what yet I struggle to accept this love because I treat Him like Father Christmas. See unlike Father Christmas, my heavenly Father does not show up in costume for a season. He is with me every second, even in those moments when I don’t think I’m worthy of Him. His love means that I should trust that when things don’t go my way, it is not because He is mad at me. But because it is not part of His good, pleasing and perfect will for my life.